There are 6,658,348,452 in the world at the moment, give or take a few, and yet the word ‘lonely’ is defined in every dictionary. The reality that one man can feel alone even amidst a million is mind boggling, and yet so true that it frightens me.
And it is true. Be you a beggar on the street or a millionaire in a mansion, a man surrounded my loved ones or a man who has none, everyone has, at one point in their life, felt the crushing power of loneliness. A power so strong that it takes lives.
Early in this year I lost a friend. She took her life because a person she loved had just lost theirs. You might understand that. “She was all alone”, you’ll say, “its better not to live than to live alone”. But, here’s the thing, she wasn’t alone, not really. She had her family, her friends, she had more than most. Yet she took her life because she felt alone, leaving behind people who loved her. People who now feel as alone as she did.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that someone I thought I knew so well, someone I thought who would never sink into depression so deep as to take her own life, had just proved me wrong. Why? Why? She was in pain, she was upset, she had just lost a person she loved, I realized that. But she still had so many people here, waiting to help her get through it. How could she feel so alone? I just couldn’t understand it.
I realize now, in hindsight, perhaps I did not want to understand it. Because you see that loneliness, I’ve felt it too. I have the most supporting and loving family a person can have, friends I can always turn to if I need to, and yet there are times when I feel so alone it’s suffocating. Times when my family does not understand me, times when my friends forget to call me, times when there is no one who can hear my silent cry for company.
Like I said, it’s frightening. Have you ever lain in the dark looking for a reason to live? Reached a phase where everything, everything goes wrong and no one seems to notice or understand? Waited desperately for some sign that you are not invisible? I have.
I still don’t understand how she could take her life. For though I have an inkling of how she might have felt, I know, without a shadow of doubt, that, (God forbid) if I had been in her shoes I would not have taken mine. For no matter how depressed I am, no matter how dark the world seems, I know that there are people who love me, and that makes a difference, more than we can ever understand. The idea of suicide is like a hypothetical question for me. I’ve heard about it, I’ve seen evidence of it, I’ve had instances when I’ve fleetingly considered the idea of considering suicide, but committing suicide… it’s just not within my sphere of comprehension. I’ve always believed that as long as there is life, there is hope, and no one ever voluntarily gives up hoping.
Orson Welles once said, “We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion that we are not alone.” This quote always strikes me as so pessimistic. He seems to be saying that loneliness is the reality, everything else is just an illusion. The feeling of helplessness and crushing emptiness we feel is the reality, while the joy and happiness we feel after spending time with our friends and family is just an illusion. I find no sense of hope in his statement. Are we really alone all the time? I don’t know what your answer to the question is, but mine is most emphatically in the negative.
Sitting in my grandparents’ drawing room, surrounded by my whole family, all eating and talking. Teasing my father, as my mother and brother laugh uncontrollably. Fighting with my brother over the tv or laptop. Spanish inquisitions of my cousins’ love lives. Shopping sessions with my aunts. Being pampered by grandparents. Long, intense discussions with my friends about any and every topic under the sun. Each memory more precious than the next. Each memory reaffirming that I am not alone.
How can I say I’m alone, when I have so many people in the world? I thought She was one of the strongest people I knew, but even the strongest have their moment of weakness. She succumbed to the illusion, not the illusion Welles believes, but the illusion that we can truly be alone. It’s just that, an illusion. The actual reality is that we are never alone, the fundamental difference between solitude and loneliness.
There might come a night when everyone you hold dear seems shrouded in darkness, when you learn first hand the definition of loneliness. But the night is always followed by the day. With the rising sun, you’re once more enveloped in their bright light and all the shadows are dispelled.
And it is true. Be you a beggar on the street or a millionaire in a mansion, a man surrounded my loved ones or a man who has none, everyone has, at one point in their life, felt the crushing power of loneliness. A power so strong that it takes lives.
Early in this year I lost a friend. She took her life because a person she loved had just lost theirs. You might understand that. “She was all alone”, you’ll say, “its better not to live than to live alone”. But, here’s the thing, she wasn’t alone, not really. She had her family, her friends, she had more than most. Yet she took her life because she felt alone, leaving behind people who loved her. People who now feel as alone as she did.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that someone I thought I knew so well, someone I thought who would never sink into depression so deep as to take her own life, had just proved me wrong. Why? Why? She was in pain, she was upset, she had just lost a person she loved, I realized that. But she still had so many people here, waiting to help her get through it. How could she feel so alone? I just couldn’t understand it.
I realize now, in hindsight, perhaps I did not want to understand it. Because you see that loneliness, I’ve felt it too. I have the most supporting and loving family a person can have, friends I can always turn to if I need to, and yet there are times when I feel so alone it’s suffocating. Times when my family does not understand me, times when my friends forget to call me, times when there is no one who can hear my silent cry for company.
Like I said, it’s frightening. Have you ever lain in the dark looking for a reason to live? Reached a phase where everything, everything goes wrong and no one seems to notice or understand? Waited desperately for some sign that you are not invisible? I have.
I still don’t understand how she could take her life. For though I have an inkling of how she might have felt, I know, without a shadow of doubt, that, (God forbid) if I had been in her shoes I would not have taken mine. For no matter how depressed I am, no matter how dark the world seems, I know that there are people who love me, and that makes a difference, more than we can ever understand. The idea of suicide is like a hypothetical question for me. I’ve heard about it, I’ve seen evidence of it, I’ve had instances when I’ve fleetingly considered the idea of considering suicide, but committing suicide… it’s just not within my sphere of comprehension. I’ve always believed that as long as there is life, there is hope, and no one ever voluntarily gives up hoping.
Orson Welles once said, “We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion that we are not alone.” This quote always strikes me as so pessimistic. He seems to be saying that loneliness is the reality, everything else is just an illusion. The feeling of helplessness and crushing emptiness we feel is the reality, while the joy and happiness we feel after spending time with our friends and family is just an illusion. I find no sense of hope in his statement. Are we really alone all the time? I don’t know what your answer to the question is, but mine is most emphatically in the negative.
Sitting in my grandparents’ drawing room, surrounded by my whole family, all eating and talking. Teasing my father, as my mother and brother laugh uncontrollably. Fighting with my brother over the tv or laptop. Spanish inquisitions of my cousins’ love lives. Shopping sessions with my aunts. Being pampered by grandparents. Long, intense discussions with my friends about any and every topic under the sun. Each memory more precious than the next. Each memory reaffirming that I am not alone.
How can I say I’m alone, when I have so many people in the world? I thought She was one of the strongest people I knew, but even the strongest have their moment of weakness. She succumbed to the illusion, not the illusion Welles believes, but the illusion that we can truly be alone. It’s just that, an illusion. The actual reality is that we are never alone, the fundamental difference between solitude and loneliness.
There might come a night when everyone you hold dear seems shrouded in darkness, when you learn first hand the definition of loneliness. But the night is always followed by the day. With the rising sun, you’re once more enveloped in their bright light and all the shadows are dispelled.
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